Planet Ivy | The Bum Diaries

This is going up on Planet Ivy later, but here’s the unedited version. In other words, the way longer one. And by the way, I’ll still be watching them, just not the whole thing like I used to when I was teen and still had idols. Now it’s more like catching the best bits the next day. Much more practical in my old age.

The Hollywood award season is here. Yeah, thanks, I think we know. Open a paper, turn on the TV, log on the net or eavesdrop on the Tube and there it is. Well I’m over it, and the only person who seems to agree with me is Joaquin Phoenix. In a recent interview he said “I think it’s total, utter bullshit, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t believe in it. It’s a carrot, but it’s the worst-tasting carrot I’ve ever tasted in my whole life. I don’t want this carrot.” On a good day, Phoenix comes across to most as bat-shit crazy, but to me he’s just become Stephen frigging Hawking.

Here’s my top five reasons why the Hollywood award season is ridonkulous.

Everyone’s Too Beautiful

Being made to watch arguably the most beautiful people in the world, dressed in arguably the most beautiful clothes in the world, hair and make-up done, sitting in a big room being all beautiful together is just plain rude. Every time the camera cuts to the audience, there it is; inhuman glamour, perfection, success, talent, riches. Oh my eyes! Stop it. Even the ugly people somehow look beautiful at an awards show. I mean if Quentin Tarantino can be made to look like he hasn’t just dragged himself in from a week-long bong session, then surely that’s proof that the awards shows are working some kind of crazy voodoo not available to us mere mortals. Even Lena Dunham, the creator of Girls, someone who makes a living trying to make us embrace our ugly, looked cute as a button at The Golden Globes. Well, cute as a tattooed-pixie-button with too much eyeliner on I mean.

There’s Too Bloody Many of Them

Here’s the ones I know off the top of my head: The Academy Awards, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, Emmy’s, Independent Spirit Awards, Critics’ Choice, AFI Awards and The People’s Choice. Why? How many times do these people need to be told how wonderful they are? And if there are different winners at each event, how do we know who got it right? If five different awards ceremonies give the best actor to say, three different actors, who really was the best actor? By the way, who are these “people” who choose the People’s Choice Awards? I’m a person. Nobody’s ever asked me.

The Speeches

A couple of years ago I might have just pointed out the speeches were long, boring and teary, but these days they’re are so witty, intelligent and heart-warming, it’s like they’ve hired a writer. I’m beginning to think maybe there should be an award for best awards show speech. Continue reading →