This is going up on Planet Ivy later, but here’s the unedited version. In other words, the way longer one. And by the way, I’ll still be watching them, just not the whole thing like I used to when I was teen and still had idols. Now it’s more like catching the best bits the next day. Much more practical in my old age.
The Hollywood award season is here. Yeah, thanks, I think we know. Open a paper, turn on the TV, log on the net or eavesdrop on the Tube and there it is. Well I’m over it, and the only person who seems to agree with me is Joaquin Phoenix. In a recent interview he said “I think it’s total, utter bullshit, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t believe in it. It’s a carrot, but it’s the worst-tasting carrot I’ve ever tasted in my whole life. I don’t want this carrot.” On a good day, Phoenix comes across to most as bat-shit crazy, but to me he’s just become Stephen frigging Hawking.
Here’s my top five reasons why the Hollywood award season is ridonkulous.
Everyone’s Too Beautiful
Being made to watch arguably the most beautiful people in the world, dressed in arguably the most beautiful clothes in the world, hair and make-up done, sitting in a big room being all beautiful together is just plain rude. Every time the camera cuts to the audience, there it is; inhuman glamour, perfection, success, talent, riches. Oh my eyes! Stop it. Even the ugly people somehow look beautiful at an awards show. I mean if Quentin Tarantino can be made to look like he hasn’t just dragged himself in from a week-long bong session, then surely that’s proof that the awards shows are working some kind of crazy voodoo not available to us mere mortals. Even Lena Dunham, the creator of Girls, someone who makes a living trying to make us embrace our ugly, looked cute as a button at The Golden Globes. Well, cute as a tattooed-pixie-button with too much eyeliner on I mean.
There’s Too Bloody Many of Them
Here’s the ones I know off the top of my head: The Academy Awards, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, Emmy’s, Independent Spirit Awards, Critics’ Choice, AFI Awards and The People’s Choice. Why? How many times do these people need to be told how wonderful they are? And if there are different winners at each event, how do we know who got it right? If five different awards ceremonies give the best actor to say, three different actors, who really was the best actor? By the way, who are these “people” who choose the People’s Choice Awards? I’m a person. Nobody’s ever asked me.
A couple of years ago I might have just pointed out the speeches were long, boring and teary, but these days they’re are so witty, intelligent and heart-warming, it’s like they’ve hired a writer. I’m beginning to think maybe there should be an award for best awards show speech. Then comes the phrase which reminds me what I hate about speeches, the “I’d like to thank…”, followed by an enormous list of people nobody’s ever heard of; their managers, agents, drama coaches and the guy in catering who made little pictures in my coffee with the milk every day. Without whom none of this would have been possible. Bullshit! When is someone going to get up there and say, “I’d like to thank myself, because I’m amazing and it was all me”?
You Only Win if you Behave
Winning is like a reward for living up to the moralistic ideals of your parents. You don’t get an award when you’re a train wreck in your personal life. Just ask Lindsay Lohan or Drew Barrymore. Robert Downey Jr. didn’t get one when he was spending time in his orange jumpsuit after years of drug related mishaps. Now he’s respectable again -he’s been to rehab and makes studios shit loads of money – there he is getting an Oscar nomination in 2009 and presenting the Cecil B Demille award to a rambling Jodie Foster at last weekend’s Golden Globes. If I was a boy, I’d bet my left nut Joaquin Phoenix won’t win the Oscar for best actor this year.
They’re like Hollywood’s Annual Bonus and Salary Review
Win an award and you’ll soon be offered better movie roles for much more money. And that’s fine, Hollywood’s a business, it’s allowed to do that. But as far as the public’s concerned, the vote’s are already in; we vote with out wallets. We don’t decide what film to see by saying “Ooh, let’s watch that one with the chick who won Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical at the Globes in 2013”. No, we say “Ooh, let’s watch that one with the hot chick from Hunger Games in it”. So, Hollywood, use some of our money for your annual company party, fine, but geez, exercise some decorum and just have one will you? And please, please, keep it all to your damn self from now on.