It’s about four days till I have to start the elimination diet. There’s no surprises here, it is what it sounds like. You take away everything that could possibly upset your digestion for a while so it’s out of your body and then reintroduce food one at a time to see if you have a negative reaction to it.
To prepare for this monumental deprivation I’m doing what any sane human being would do: eating just about everything I’ve ever put in my mouth “just one last time”, because I know there’s a chance I won’t be able to have it again if it proves to be something tummy can’t handle. Mostly that means my diet this week consists of sugar, alcohol and things I haven’t had in years, so they couldn’t be the source of the problem anyway.By the way, do you know how hard it is to find fairy floss on a whim?
I wish this kind of prep was suitable for other challenges in life. If this is what you did before a marathon I’d be giving Eddie Izard a run for his money. If this is what you did before a wedding, I’d be giving Zsa Zsa Gabor a run for her money. If this is what you did before moving to Adelaide… ahhh… actually, sorry no, silly me, who voluntarily moves to Adelaide. Are you mental?
But I’m not happy Jan. This diet thing doesn’t leave any room for vices. Seriously, man must have one really bad thing in his life, a thing that’s naughty and forbidden and bound to lead to a colostomy bag by middle age. It’s what makes life exciting, what makes you feel like you’re walking on a tightrope instead of being strapped into the kiddy seat of life. If I follow this diet, that’s pretty much everything gone. The only thing left to get a thrill from each day will be picking my nose, but fark, I’m probably intolerant to mucus too.
What is all this food intolerance bizzo anyway? Why has this suddenly sprung up? I mean what did the cave people do? Of course they wouldn’t have had half the crap we do to put on their mouths, but did some of them get an urgent case of the shits when they ate too many pterodactyl eggs, have to sprint out of the cave and dive into the nearest bush/stream/tree with a big hole in the trunk? Cholesterol a bit high, have to cut back on the fatty T-Rex cuts, too much special berry juice from the tree down by the river? Yeah doubt it. Bet they could pick their nose all they wanted to too.
Since I’m going to be completely sober and probably the healthiest I’ve been since before I started earning pocket money, I have this uncontrollable desire to be out of control. I’m so ready to explode, today I even contemplated not using deoderant. I was just going to allow my natural oils do their thing, even get on a bus in a tank top after a run and let my pits start a little environmental terror act the likes that South East London has never seen. Then I was going to go to the local store without a bra on, let my bazoonkas have free reign up and down and sideways round the street, but then I remembered how much that hurts. Last night for dinner I had a packet of crinkle cut chips/crisps and a Freddo Frog. I know. I knoooooooow. Outrageous.
So anyway, just to torture myself some more I thought I’d post some pics of my favourite food groups. Maybe while I’m on the diet I can look back at this post and salivate at the images to take my mind off the pain of the fork stuck in the back of my hand.